Mothering Yourself: 5 tips for taking care of the person who takes care of everyone else

Since we're on vacation, which has a way of simultaneously restoring sanity 

while keeping things a little crazier than usual 

Since most of us are pretty decent people and parents when we're sane.

Since we sometimes need micro-vacations we can use anytime for restoring that ever elusive sanity.

Here are 5 micro-vacations:

1. Drink it in.  Spend 5 minutes in the morning to make a pitcher of something that is natural and nourishing.  I love iced green or mint tea with some lemon and honey, but Chinese rose tea is another favorite.  You can have a little bowl of lemon wedges in your fridge, or I have a friend who keeps a bag of frozen mixed berries in her freezer and throws two or three in every glass (her favorite is Passion flower tea).  Whatever it is, serve it in a pretty glass, sip and savor.  It's a treat that treats your body well. 

2. Time it.  Maybe you can't get 10 minutes to yourself, but you can get 1 minute, 10 times a day.  Set your watch or your phone so it beeps at the top of every hour.  Take that full minute to recenter  and re-engage with the present moment.

3. Take sick days.  Ask to be cared for.  Get soup and tea and warm blankets and a stack of books and disappear for 24 hours.  And don't say you can't.  You choose not to.  You can choose to knock it out in 24 hours or you can choose to let it linger for 2 weeks   

4. Say no.  To the next thing someone asks you.  Just because you can.  Just because you need the practice.  Don't make excuses, don't try to justify it.  Just say "No, I'd prefer not to".  Then watch as the world DOESN'T come to a screeching halt.

5. Read Children's Literature.  I know I've posted this before, but it's just that important.  The Chronicles of Narnia, The Wizard of Oz, Alice in Wonderland or anything by Edith Nesbit.  Beauty, fantasy and adventure, all without having to think too hard. 

When there's nothing wrong....

My children have been terrible sleepers.  All of them.  And the youngest is the absolute worst.  I never understood how he could be the happiest baby who can be calmed and comforted in an instant during the day and yet consistently wakes up at night absolutely inconsolable.

One of these nights, he woke up at about 3 AM and while I was trying to calm him and walk him back to sleep, someone started trying to break down our apartment door.  At least it sounded like that.  I stayed upstairs since now I had to calm and comfort 3 wide awake children while John went downstairs to answer the door.

"I cannot SLEEP!  I CAN-NOT SLEEP."  It was our upstairs neighbor, doing her best to communicate to my husband in broken English and following it with some choice words in Chinese that I can imagine were not exactly neighborly.  The conversation went something like this:

John: "I'm very sorry."

Crazy Chinese neighbor (hereafter referred to as CCN): "NO.  You do not understand!  I CAN-NOT SLEEP! (more un-neighborly Chinese muttering) WHY HE CRY?!?!?"

John: "I don't know why he is crying.  I'm very sorry.  We are trying to help him sleep."

CCN: "NO!  WHY he not sleep?!?!  WHY he CRY and CRY?!?!  EVERY night, EVERY night, EVERY night, he cry!"

I'm not sure why she thought we needed her to inform us that he cried every night.  I'm not sure where exactly she thought we were or what exactly we were doing, but apparently she thought we were either unaware  that he was awake or didn't have a problem with it ourselves.  Like we could do something about it, we just liked to be up at night with a screaming baby for fun.

CCN: "I'm take him hospital!"
John: "Sorry...what?"
CCN: "I'm take him hospital!  I have car, I'm take him hospital!"
John: "No. We are not going to the hospital."
CCN: "YES!  TAKE HIM HOSPITAL!  YOU COME IN MY CAR! THERE SOMETHING WRONG!"
John: "No, there's nothing wrong.  He's not sick.  We are not going to the hospital."
CCN: "THERE SOMETHING WRONG!! WHY HE CRY?!?!"
This went on for a while.  She refused to leave unless we went to the hospital with her, while John calmly but firmly refused to do anything of the kind.  In a last ditch effort to be rid of her, John told her we would be moving back to America in a couple weeks.
CCN: "GOOD!!! I SOOO HAPPY!!" (muttering of Chinese expletives) *door slamming* *gate slamming* *stomping up the stairs*  *more slamming doors* (screaming of Chinese expletives heard through the ceiling)

I spent the next few weeks living in fear of an old Chinese lady who probably didn't stand a head taller than Cohen.  But that's not the main point here.  The point is...."What the heck are you talking about woman?!?!  Why is he crying?  Because he's a BABY!"

Back home though, people can be just as critical, but with enough subtlety that I forget to feel indignant along with being fearful.  I'm fearful of the dirty looks I get at the grocery store, from flight attendants, from waitresses, from fellow diners, from friends and relatives, even from mothers with grown children who seem to think they actually gave birth to their children as fully functioning adults and have forgotten that they ever cried or spilled something or wore a diaper.  They are all essentially saying the same thing:  "what is wrong with him/her?"  "Why is he crying?" "How dare she poop in her diaper?" "Seriously?  spaghetti on the floor?  Doesn't he know how to do that twirly thing with his fork?  Maybe we should take him to the hospital..."  Ok.  Maybe not that last part.  Remember, they're subtle.  But it's all the same thing..."what's WRONG with them and WHY CAN'T YOU FIX IT?"

And if we would all just take a second from feeling shamed or quit googling internet remedies for infant separation anxiety or toddler hyperactivity, we would start feeling a little more indignant and stop blaming ourselves.  Because chances are there's NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR KID.  Because there's no such thing as "infant separation anxiety."  There are infants who act like infants.  There's no such thing as toddler ADD.  There are toddlers being toddlers.  When I hear people commenting, "wow, she's old to be still waking up at night," "he just has to get into everything doesn't he?" "Well isn't your baby clingy!" "Wow, SOMEBODY is opinionated!" I am learning to lose the fear and listen to the indignant voice in my head that reminds me that my CHILD is being a CHILD.  I know that doesn't give me (or my child) the right to infringe on someone else's boundaries or well being, which is why I legitimately felt sorry for (and lived in great fear of) the CCN. But if you don't have to wake up with my kid, if they're not touching your stuff, and if you don't have to listen to them, respond to them, hold them, respect their opinions or whatever else, I don't really care if you think something is wrong or how you think I should fix it.  Children don't need to be cured of being children.

They don't smile for pictures.  And no, taking them to the hospital won't help.