One of these nights, he woke up at about 3 AM and while I was trying to calm him and walk him back to sleep, someone started trying to break down our apartment door. At least it sounded like that. I stayed upstairs since now I had to calm and comfort 3 wide awake children while John went downstairs to answer the door.
"I cannot SLEEP! I CAN-NOT SLEEP." It was our upstairs neighbor, doing her best to communicate to my husband in broken English and following it with some choice words in Chinese that I can imagine were not exactly neighborly. The conversation went something like this:
John: "I'm very sorry."
Crazy Chinese neighbor (hereafter referred to as CCN): "NO. You do not understand! I CAN-NOT SLEEP! (more un-neighborly Chinese muttering) WHY HE CRY?!?!?"
John: "I don't know why he is crying. I'm very sorry. We are trying to help him sleep."
CCN: "NO! WHY he not sleep?!?! WHY he CRY and CRY?!?! EVERY night, EVERY night, EVERY night, he cry!"
I'm not sure why she thought we needed her to inform us that he cried every night. I'm not sure where exactly she thought we were or what exactly we were doing, but apparently she thought we were either unaware that he was awake or didn't have a problem with it ourselves. Like we could do something about it, we just liked to be up at night with a screaming baby for fun.
CCN: "I'm take him hospital!"
John: "Sorry...what?"
CCN: "I'm take him hospital! I have car, I'm take him hospital!"
John: "No. We are not going to the hospital."
CCN: "YES! TAKE HIM HOSPITAL! YOU COME IN MY CAR! THERE SOMETHING WRONG!"
John: "No, there's nothing wrong. He's not sick. We are not going to the hospital."
CCN: "THERE SOMETHING WRONG!! WHY HE CRY?!?!"
This went on for a while. She refused to leave unless we went to the hospital with her, while John calmly but firmly refused to do anything of the kind. In a last ditch effort to be rid of her, John told her we would be moving back to America in a couple weeks.
CCN: "GOOD!!! I SOOO HAPPY!!" (muttering of Chinese expletives) *door slamming* *gate slamming* *stomping up the stairs* *more slamming doors* (screaming of Chinese expletives heard through the ceiling)
I spent the next few weeks living in fear of an old Chinese lady who probably didn't stand a head taller than Cohen. But that's not the main point here. The point is...."What the heck are you talking about woman?!?! Why is he crying? Because he's a BABY!"
Back home though, people can be just as critical, but with enough subtlety that I forget to feel indignant along with being fearful. I'm fearful of the dirty looks I get at the grocery store, from flight attendants, from waitresses, from fellow diners, from friends and relatives, even from mothers with grown children who seem to think they actually gave birth to their children as fully functioning adults and have forgotten that they ever cried or spilled something or wore a diaper. They are all essentially saying the same thing: "what is wrong with him/her?" "Why is he crying?" "How dare she poop in her diaper?" "Seriously? spaghetti on the floor? Doesn't he know how to do that twirly thing with his fork? Maybe we should take him to the hospital..." Ok. Maybe not that last part. Remember, they're subtle. But it's all the same thing..."what's WRONG with them and WHY CAN'T YOU FIX IT?"
And if we would all just take a second from feeling shamed or quit googling internet remedies for infant separation anxiety or toddler hyperactivity, we would start feeling a little more indignant and stop blaming ourselves. Because chances are there's NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR KID. Because there's no such thing as "infant separation anxiety." There are infants who act like infants. There's no such thing as toddler ADD. There are toddlers being toddlers. When I hear people commenting, "wow, she's old to be still waking up at night," "he just has to get into everything doesn't he?" "Well isn't your baby clingy!" "Wow, SOMEBODY is opinionated!" I am learning to lose the fear and listen to the indignant voice in my head that reminds me that my CHILD is being a CHILD. I know that doesn't give me (or my child) the right to infringe on someone else's boundaries or well being, which is why I legitimately felt sorry for (and lived in great fear of) the CCN. But if you don't have to wake up with my kid, if they're not touching your stuff, and if you don't have to listen to them, respond to them, hold them, respect their opinions or whatever else, I don't really care if you think something is wrong or how you think I should fix it. Children don't need to be cured of being children.
John: "Sorry...what?"
CCN: "I'm take him hospital! I have car, I'm take him hospital!"
John: "No. We are not going to the hospital."
CCN: "YES! TAKE HIM HOSPITAL! YOU COME IN MY CAR! THERE SOMETHING WRONG!"
John: "No, there's nothing wrong. He's not sick. We are not going to the hospital."
CCN: "THERE SOMETHING WRONG!! WHY HE CRY?!?!"
This went on for a while. She refused to leave unless we went to the hospital with her, while John calmly but firmly refused to do anything of the kind. In a last ditch effort to be rid of her, John told her we would be moving back to America in a couple weeks.
CCN: "GOOD!!! I SOOO HAPPY!!" (muttering of Chinese expletives) *door slamming* *gate slamming* *stomping up the stairs* *more slamming doors* (screaming of Chinese expletives heard through the ceiling)
I spent the next few weeks living in fear of an old Chinese lady who probably didn't stand a head taller than Cohen. But that's not the main point here. The point is...."What the heck are you talking about woman?!?! Why is he crying? Because he's a BABY!"
Back home though, people can be just as critical, but with enough subtlety that I forget to feel indignant along with being fearful. I'm fearful of the dirty looks I get at the grocery store, from flight attendants, from waitresses, from fellow diners, from friends and relatives, even from mothers with grown children who seem to think they actually gave birth to their children as fully functioning adults and have forgotten that they ever cried or spilled something or wore a diaper. They are all essentially saying the same thing: "what is wrong with him/her?" "Why is he crying?" "How dare she poop in her diaper?" "Seriously? spaghetti on the floor? Doesn't he know how to do that twirly thing with his fork? Maybe we should take him to the hospital..." Ok. Maybe not that last part. Remember, they're subtle. But it's all the same thing..."what's WRONG with them and WHY CAN'T YOU FIX IT?"
And if we would all just take a second from feeling shamed or quit googling internet remedies for infant separation anxiety or toddler hyperactivity, we would start feeling a little more indignant and stop blaming ourselves. Because chances are there's NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR KID. Because there's no such thing as "infant separation anxiety." There are infants who act like infants. There's no such thing as toddler ADD. There are toddlers being toddlers. When I hear people commenting, "wow, she's old to be still waking up at night," "he just has to get into everything doesn't he?" "Well isn't your baby clingy!" "Wow, SOMEBODY is opinionated!" I am learning to lose the fear and listen to the indignant voice in my head that reminds me that my CHILD is being a CHILD. I know that doesn't give me (or my child) the right to infringe on someone else's boundaries or well being, which is why I legitimately felt sorry for (and lived in great fear of) the CCN. But if you don't have to wake up with my kid, if they're not touching your stuff, and if you don't have to listen to them, respond to them, hold them, respect their opinions or whatever else, I don't really care if you think something is wrong or how you think I should fix it. Children don't need to be cured of being children.
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| They don't smile for pictures. And no, taking them to the hospital won't help. |
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